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I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One

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Imported from USA

About the Author

Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and pastoral counselor in private practice in Hawthorne, New
York. Brook Noel is a CEO, author, speaker and mom. She has been featured in hundreds of shows and magazines, including
ABC World News, CNN Headline News and Fox & Friends. She is the author of The Change Your Life Challenge and several
other books.

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Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Excerpt from Chapter Two: Notes for the First Few Weeks

"And people answered the phone for me.
And people cooked for me.
And people understood for me.
My dearest friends cared for me
when I didn't care."
- Wendy Feiereisen

At this moment, in the direct aftermath of losing someone tragically, there is so little anyone can say. We cannot find
the words to offer you peace - though we wish it were a gift we could give you. We promise you now that we will give you
everything we can to help you make your way through this. We will help you wind a path through the haze, the confusion,
and the pain that is gripping at your core.

For the first few weeks, do not concern yourself with what you will do, where you will go, or what lies in the future.
For now, we ask that you simply follow the guidelines in this chapter. There will be time to cope, to understand, to
process - later. Right now, you simply need to take care of you.

Treat Yourself as if You Were in Intensive Care
You are in the process of going through one of the most traumatic experiences a person can endure. The challenges you
have already faced, both physically and mentally, will leave you vulnerable, exhausted, and weak. It is imperative that
you focus directly on yourself and on any dependents. Find ways to get your needs met first in these few weeks.

In the first week or so you will probably feel stunned and overwhelmed. You may also feel numb or hysterical. Your
emotional system shuts down, providing temporary insulation from the full impact of your loss. You will go through the
motions; it will look like you're coping well sometimes.

In her book, The Worst Loss, Barbara D. Rosof writes, "In shock you may be unable to move or speak coherently; people
report that they cannot think. Shock responses may also be active and intense; you may have screamed, or run from the
room, or physically attacked the bringer of the news. All of these behaviors are means of shutting down, or distancing
yourself from a reality that you do not yet have a way to deal with. As you look back, your behavior may seem bizarre
and totally out of character for you. Remember that your entire world had been knocked out from under you. You were in
free fall, and your first task was to find any way to stop the fall."

When the funeral is over and your relatives and friends have gone home, the shock begins to wear off. It is important
not to make any decisions that will have a lasting impact on your life (for example, sell the house, give away the
person's belongings, etc.) while you are in shock.

Expect to Be Distracted
During the first few weeks, your mind will be filled with racing thoughts and unfamiliar emotions. Many people report
having difficulty with simple tasks. Losing one's keys, forgetting where you are while driving, and sluggish reaction
time are all commonly reported problems. With everything you are mentally and physically trying to process, it's normal
to be distracted. Take special caution. Try to avoid driving and other activities where these symptoms may cause injury.

Have Someone Near You
If possible, choose a close friend to keep near you through the first week or two. Let this person help you make
decisions, hear your fears or concerns, and be the shoulder for you to lean on. Give them a copy of this book. Later, as
you move through the grieving process, it will be very helpful to have someone who has "been there" and understands
thoroughly what you are talking about.

Accept the Help of Friends
Our energy is so depleted in the first few weeks after loss, it's hard to even ask for help. We have included a handout
at the end of this chapter that can be photocopied freely and given to your inner circle of friends and relatives. You
may be reluctant to do this, but please do. Even if we don't think we need people right now, we do indeed. Brook shares
her story of friendship . . .

"When I lost my brother, my friend Sara was my anchor. I never asked her to come over that evening but as soon as she
heard, she came (even though I told her there was nothing she could do). She simply sat next to me. Then she went
upstairs and packed my bag for the upcoming week. She hugged me when I needed it and sat in the other room when I needed
to be alone. To this day, her warm presence brings tears to my eyes. It was an extension of love and caring like few I
have known."

If, like Brook, you are too grief-ridden to ask for help, simply show friends this book and let them read these few
pages so they have an idea of what you need and how to support you. Friends want to help, but they rarely know how. The
cycle of your grief will be more bearable when you hold the hand of a friend. Reach out. The following two entries
summarize beautifully what those who face grief need from the people around them.

"I'll cry with you,"
she whispered
"until we run out of tears.
Even if it's forever.
We'll do it together."
There it was . . . a simple
promise of connection.
The loving alliance of
grief and hope that
blesses both our breaking
apart and our coming
together again.
Molly Fumia, Safe Passage

Needed: A strong, deep person wise enough to allow me to grieve in the depth of who I am, and strong enough to hear my
pain without turning away.

I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out
the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning
and believe in a rainbow.
Fr. Joe Mahoney, Concerns of Police Survivors Newsletter
(This is excerpted from a beautiful book on grief titled Forever Remembered: Cherished messages of hope, love and
comfort from courageous people who have lost a loved one. Compendium Publishing.)

Caring for Your Children
If you have small children, contact friends and relatives to help you care for them. Consider having someone stay with
you for the specific task of caring for your children, since some children may be further traumatized by separation. In
Chapter Nine we cover the specifics of children and grief. While it is human nature to want to help and care for others,
we must understand at this trying time we will barely have enough energy to care for ourselves. Even if we want to help
those around us, we won't have the resources. It's in our best interest to allow this time for our own grief.

Someone to Take Calls and Check Email
If the person who has died is of your immediate family, you will be receiving many phone calls, visitors, and cards.
Have a friend come by to take messages, check emails, answer the door, and answer the phone. Most callers do not expect
to speak directly with the family but simply wish to express their condolences. Have someone keep a notepad handy to
record the names and messages of callers. Be forewarned, occasionally you may receive a strange call or a strange card.

Brook once took a message from a caller who offered condolences for the loss of her brother and then in a second breath
requested a current picture of her daughter. Pam remembers a caller who said, "I'm sure George's death was easier for
you, because you were divorced after all." These thoughts and comments are inappropriate and can be very hurtful, though
the caller does not intend them to be. In our society, we just don't know how to handle grief and loss. People cope with
grief differently - many people don't know how to cope at all. When you think of it, our world is geared toward gaining
and acquiring; we have few lessons on how to handle loss. Occasionally people will ask a strange question or perhaps
write a note in a card that seems a bit "out of place." Realize that this is not done to hurt you; these are just people
who are inept at handling loss and the thought of loss.

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